Your Guide to the Hunger Games
by annonymouss
Summary: Do you want to spy on Cato? Know the reason why you should never ask Finnick for any dating advice? Be part of the mysterious ticking noise? WARNING: if you do not take this seriosly then you'll die. Here a few tips for your survival. 100% stupid.


"**Your Guide to the Hunger Games"**

**C-Suzanne Collins**

**Rated T for swearing**

**-characters purposely stupid-**

_Do you want to spy on Cato? Know the reason why you should never ask Finnick for any dating advice? Be part of the mysterious ticking noise? Here a few tips for your survival. 100% stupid. Good Luck!_

...

**#1.) You shall NEVER call Katniss Everdeen a Mary-Sue—no matter how perfect she is.**

_You're fighting the kick-ass girl from District 12, the Mockingjay who saved everyone; the beautiful, grey-eyed beauty that had to decide between two extremely hot guys._

One of Johanna and Katniss' infamous fights rang out this very morning, and half of the tributes witnessed this un-historical event, seeing the two of them unleashing their stupidity upon each other and ripping their clothes apart. Of course, there was a lot of screeching, insults, and cotton flying all over the place.

Peeta, Finnick and surprisingly Haymitch watched the scene, sitting on a coach, either drinking beer or apple cider. Finnick mused, "Whoa, hot chick fight!"

Peeta growled and smacked his hot-headed head. "Idiot, that's my girlfriend you're talking about!"

"Sucker, you're not her girlfriend yet…pita bread." He smirked, asking the drunken mentor for another glass of wine.

Katniss grabbed a bottle of water and sprayed it at Johanna's face, making her step back against the corner, wearing only a bra and underwear. Katniss smirked, almost knowing that she was victorious. The other girl had no comebacks or insults coming out her big-ass mouth for the first time. Ha!

Johanna looked at one of the Careers and mouthed something, seeking guidance from them. Surprisingly, they answered back, smirking mischievously.

Pointing her index finger and starting to flip her off, Johanna grabbed the water bottle away from her, a devious and crooked smile painted on her face. "Admit it, Katniss! You're nothing but a stupid, useless…Mary-Sue…"

**#2.) Whatever you do, don't make a real-life version of the "Mysterious Ticking Noise" in the arena…**

[Tick, tick…]

"Hmm…What is that mysterious ticking noise?" asked Katniss as she lowered her bow, thinking of Prim. She looked around, "Over here…over there… Kind of, catchy," all of a sudden, she drifted of to Candy Land, thinking of Harry Potter. "Snape, Snape…Severus Snape—"

"DUMBELDORE!" yelled a tribute, interrupting her.

It went on and on like that, for about 3 times.

All of a sudden, Fox Face jumped out of nowhere, saying: "Ron, Ron, and Ron Weasley!"

Of course, it started to turn into a song when Cato dropped the sword and—in perfect timing—yelled out a "Hermione!" which could be heard throughout the entire arena.

"What the fuck is this shit?" asked Snow as he watched the tributes singing.

Then Peeta—covered in dirt—crawled. "Peeta Mellark, Peeta Mellark—OH! Peeta Mellark, Peeta Mellark—yeah!"

Katniss stared at Peeta, disgusted. "Snape—"

"Peeta!"

"Snape!"

"Peeta!"

"Snape!"

"Peeta!"

"Snape!"

"Peeta!"

"Snape!"

"Peeta!"

"Ugh, why do you fucking ruin everything, pita bread?"

Everyone ignored her comment, still singing. "Singing a song, all day long, in Hunger—"

Rue, coming out a bush, yelled, "I FOUND THE SOURCE OF THE TICKING! IT'S A PIPE BOMB!"

"YAY!"

_BAM._

…And then everyone dies, making there no victor for this years' Games.

**#3.) Never ask Finnick for dating advice.**

"So, you read _A Guide on Girls_ and this chick…she's not falling for you?"

"Duh, that's why I'm here."

"Well, watch this! I'll help you get her, or my name isn't Finnick Odair!"

_-A Few Minutes Later-_

"…Hey, uh, Finnick and Gale…What are you guys doing here?" she looks at Finnick, "Dude, why are you as a Mexican person?"

Smirking, Finnick started strumming his guitar. "Lo siento Gale es cojo y no puede sk hacia fuera. Que está embarazada!"

Gale gasped. "Dude, what the hell!"

"What? 'Embarazada' means embarrassed!"

He shook his head. "FUCK YOU! You just told her that I was PREGNANT!"

**#4.) For God's sake, DON'T spy on Cato. **

Smirking, Gale snuck into Cato's room, wanting to prank the poor sucker and scare the living hell out of him. Quickly, he the door, spraying a can of paint all over the wall that said: "FAG". Knowing that opened he was in the restroom and taking a shower, Gale took advantage of this known fact and his reckless ego took over, ruining everything in the room. He smirked, and advanced to the restroom. The door was open. As he aimed the spray directly Cato's at face, Gale's eyes were paralyzed.

There, standing right on the toilet seat was a half-naked Cato wearing a pink "I Love Barbie" towel. Music was on full blast (how the hell did Gale not notice that?), and the male tribute from district 2 was singing along with a horrible, screeching voice. In his right hand was a blue, plastic hairbrush. There was a picture of Justin Bieber on the wall, and he hoped off the seat just to kiss it—passionately. So, this is why he left the training room early for the past month or so.

Gale didn't know whether to jump out of the window, or record this shit and put it all over YouTube.

But then, Cato started to sing, "IT'S FRIDAY! FRIDAY! GOT TO GET DOWN ON FRIDAY!"

**#5.) No matter how cute they are, Gale and Madge are not (sadly) a couple.**

"No one's watching us, right?" Madge asks silently as she sits down next to a sweaty, nervous Gale Hawthorne who couldn't look directly into her eyes.

He looks at his feet, breathing heavily. "Yes, no one is here…" turning around, he made sure that no one could hear his low whisper.

All of a sudden, Katniss jumped out of nowhere and started singing, "KISS THE GIRL! KISS THE GIRL!"

**#6.) Do not blackmail Snow.**

_Dear President Snow,_

_I have your precious rubber ducky that I stole when you went to Toys R Us. I will drop this stupid piece of shit in a pool of lava, unless you do the following: I command you to do the Cat Daddy then the Dougie while singing 'Peacock' by Katy Perry. Remember to sing the lyrics! If you fail to do this in less than 24 hours, then say "Bye-Bye" to Mr. Squeaky...FOREVER!_

_"I want to see your peacock-cock-cock, your peacock-cock! ...Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock!"_

_Sincerely,_

_The Sexy Coin_

**#7.) Don't show them this guide, or "A Guide on Girls"**

_-This scene has been removed because the author, J. C Kali, almost got killed-_

**#7.) If you want to please/punish Snow, make him read "My Immortal"**

"I will never give in!" yells Snow.

"Just read this…"

_AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) _

"What the fuck is she trying to say?"

_2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX! _

"Is this some horror show. Eh, you still won't get any words out of me! Bwhahahaha!" _Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee_

"…The hell is this shit? IT'S BEAUTIFUL!"

_(AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). _

"SHE'S FREAKING AWESOME!"

_I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black._

"SHE'S PERFECT!"

_I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them. _

_"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was... Draco Malfoy! _

"He sounds hot!"

_"What's up Draco?" I asked. _

_"Nothing." he said shyly. _

_But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. _

_AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz! _

"It was more than good! More! More! More!"

She stares at him, jaw dropped. "You sick fuck…"

**#8.) The results of Finnick being dared to ask Katniss out naked is not something you want to witness.**

Naked, Finnick knocked on Katniss's door, two red roses-the symbol of love-in his hands. In the back, Gale and Peeta glared at the hunk of meat, while Johnna simultaneously pressed the click button of her camera and laughed her ass off.

He knocked on the door, his "ting-a-ling" poking out. "Katniss, I need to talk to you..."

Quickly, Katniss opened the door, her eyes screaming "WTF?" She tried to look away, but couldn't. "What do you want, Odair?" she rolled her eyes, "You look so repuslive and disgusting -"

"Will you go out with me?"

All hell broke loose as he ran for his life.

**#8.) Never steal Prim's wedding dress.**

Where was it? She looks around, under her bed, beside the drawers...in Katniss's room, but it's not there. The long, white veil was the only thing the robber left behind. No, it couldn't be true! The wedding dress was gone. No, no and NO!

Prim grabs a knife from the kitchen, then heads outside, her eyes glowing red. Then, she sees a young boy holding something white in his hands.

Oh, he is so dead...

**#9.) Sadly, the Jenna Marbles Face does not work on Peeta...**

-Trial #1-

"Yo, Gale, run to the grocery store and buy some eggs for me?"

*face on for 5 minutes*

"...Dude, you look so stupid."

-Trial #2-

"Katniss, can I touch your boobies?"

*face*

"You look sexy."

-Trial #3-

"Can you buy me a back scratcher?"

*face"

"That shit doesn't work on me!"

**#10.) In order to be NigaHiga, you must be Asian. And so far, no one is Asian...**

"Look, it's a bouncing inflatable ball! A human Ipod!"

"You're not Asian. Quit being a poser, Gale."

"I'm not Gale, I'm Rave! Who wants to join Best Crew?"

"...Gay."

**#11.) Peeta is not a dress whisperer...**

"Peeta, I need your help," said Prim, crying her eyes out.

"What is it, Prim?" Peeta asks, concerned about the way she looked.

She grabs her bag and quickly hands over a muddy, ripped wedding dress covered in blood. "You're a dress-whisperer, right? I need you to talk to the ruffles!"

* * *

><p><em>I was sleepy when I wrote this, so it may not be that good...<em>

_"A Guide on Girls" is real._

_Feel free to give me more tips or ideas._


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